Well, they might as well be over. None of my teams are in it anymore. I could maybe be convinced to cheer for the Flames or the Canucks, but it would be half-ass, at best. And we all know that I like to put my whole ass into things.
I had been planning on cheering on Liverpool to victory in the Champions League, but well, that won't come to pass either. And sadly, I don't golf. Sports are my therapy, and without it, I won't know what to do with myself. How will I pass the time???
1. Keep up on my soccer blogs: Kickette, The Spoiler, and SoccerLens. Man, I need a life.
2. Finally make those cast hands from MarthaStewart.com, because, well, who wouldn't want disembodied hands sitting around their household! The perfect Mother's Day gift!
3. Pray for Manchester United losses (and for Kiko Macheda's luck to run out) while simultaneously praying for Liverpool to win all remaining five games.
4. Learn how to crush a beer can on my head, as well as how to shotgun beer
5. Get to the bottom of this Shroud of Turin business. Seriously, that shit is fucked up.
6. Learn how to jog and it not be a total embarrassment
7. Make a beer helmet
8. Shave that playoff beard that is about as pitiful as Sidney Crosby's was last year, because it had so little time to develop
9. Make lists and post them on my blog
10. Write Stephenie Meyer hate mail
11. Paste my head onto pictures with soccer players in them
12. Go to the Sporno web site, where there are actually over a hundred comprimising photos of athletes, such as this gem
13. Make an unprecedented number of fat jokes about Frank Lampard, Wayne Rooney and Tim Thomas
** And we all know that I like to put my whole ass into things.**
ReplyDeleteI read this and totally had a mental image of you pulling a Sarah Haskins and jumping into some conference room:
"Is this the bathroom?? Just kidding!"
Oh, also, wtfmarthastewart? Here mom, Happy Mother's Day! I cut off a small child's hand and hot-glue-gunned an egg into its upturned palm! You're welcome!
ReplyDeleteso when you browbeat me into shotguning like 4 beers you were just living vicariously through me? I feel used. Also, I now have this powerful image of Katie as a little bearded child running around scaring the shit out of people. I have been told this is the normal response to someone having a beard as an adult.
ReplyDeleteOh, Martha. Now if she had only displayed those disembodied hands (and foot!) on a tasteful tartan stool, they would have made a much classier gift.
ReplyDeleteSince I can't hyperlink, I can only add a link to martha's tartan footstool craft project here:
http://www.marthastewart.com/article/tartan-footstool%20?rsc=also_try
Do parkour instead of jogging, except that's even more embarrassing in the beginning than jogging is :D
ReplyDeletelol at sporno too...
For number 4 I do not suggest using bottles. It does not work and it leaves a stupid circle bruise on your forehead when you wake up.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you can try just putting in half an ass? The other fans would have so much more room (and an overall much more comfortable experience) if you did.
ReplyDeleteAs far as sports go, I think you should become a basketball fan. Much more satisfying than golf. Sidebar: Did you know that there's a golf radio channel on XM/Sirius satellite radio? There is.
And correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't we have plans to build beer helmets at some point in second year? I really feel like we did.
How about a helmet made to look like your hair, this happened on the show "Flight of the Conchords". Read about it here:
ReplyDeletehttp://bikehugger.com/2007/06/flight-of-the-conchords-hair-h.html