Jill Will Be The Only Person to Find This Funny... Maybe

No one will really think this is funny except Jill, so you all might not want to read this. I don't know.
This is a lengthy scene in Ipswich when the team travels to play Ipswich FC. Look for a return of all of our favourite characters.

Sadly, I didn’t get to spend as much time with Fernando as I would have liked. Alonso, a fellow Spaniard and Liverpool midfielder, was holding a boys-only (no Girls Aloud!) classics movie night in his hotel room. Alonso, like Madonna or Cher before him, had no first name. Or was it no last name? No one was sure.
The entire team was invited to the movie night pyjama party, and attendance was all but mandatory. Apparently Alonso always made them watch Casablanca, which was always embarrassing because he always cried at the end. Why Humphrey, why? Of all the gin joints, why did she walk into his? Sometimes a team member would try to suggest another movie, but it was always Casablanca. It was Fernando’s turn to bring the tissues, because waterworks were bound to ensue. Robin van Egeraat brought the popcorn, and Alonso supplied the Hugs and Kisses. I wasn’t exactly sure whether it was the Hershey kind, or the other. Since I wasn’t allowed to go, I would never know.
While I was eating dinner by myself in the restaurant, the strangest thing happened. A waiter that was dressed as a vampire, and was wearing a nametag that read ‘Gordon,’ came and sat at my table. He was unattractive and pimply, with bushy eyebrows and wild, tangled hair. His teeth were yellow, dull and to be honest, he had a bit of a gap tooth. I remembered him from somewhere, but I was having difficulty figuring out from where.
“Something wicked this way comes…” he began, inexplicably.
“Oh, yeah…” I responded awkwardly.
“Allow me to introduce myself. I am Gordon the Vampyre.”
“Hey, I remember you! Aren’t you the guy that got me stuck in the Bram Stoker Museum last year-“
“We don’t have time for your foolish antics! You must listen my twisted tale of murder, magic and unicorns, or you will perish!” he cried as he grabbed my wrist. His eyes bulged. A lot.
“Sounds serious,” I responded quietly, hoping he would continue. The sooner he told his story, the sooner he would leave.
“Hundreds of years ago, there was panic and mayhem in England due to an outbreak of witchcraft! Witches were running wild, turning men into toads because they were lesbians!”
“I thought that it was an extreme consequence of the hatred of women and that there were no witches at all…”
“That’s what they want you to believe!” Gordon shouted, banging his fists on the table and throwing salt across the room. “They were witches! The power does exist!” He pulled a few insects out of his greasy hair and continued. “Five families with the power had to flee from the extermination for fear that they too would be discovered and burned for their sins, returning to hell from whence they came! They settled here in Ipswich, and became extremely powerful! Those five were the Danvers family, the Perry family, the Putnam family, the Garwin family, and the Simms family!”
I tried to signal the waiter to bring my bill, but the restaurant was completely empty. I didn’t even notice it when they left.
“For generation after generation, they were extremely successful in all of their endeavours, because of their use of the craft! The Danvers family began a very lucrative glue company! The rest were successful also, but we don’t really need to focus on them!” Gordon was becoming breathless and sweaty. It was gross. “But their was evil in their midst! The Putnam family tried to kill all of them and take their power for themselves! But they did not succeed and they were killed!! Or so we thought!!!” Gordon the Vampyre paused thoughtfully.
Now I was becoming somewhat intrigued. I wanted to know what had happened, but I didn’t want to ask him any questions because that would indicate that I was interested. While he had been telling the story, I had made a point to yawn as much as possible, check my watch several times, look around the restaurant, sigh, burp a few times, and I even tried to fall asleep.
“See that lady in the corner??? That is the mother of one of the sons of Ipswich!!” Gordon gesticulated wildly.
I turned to see a woman, wearing a nightgown and silk robe with feathers around the neck and sleeves, chugging a bottle of whisky. She then popped a few pills and pulled out a bottle of Danvers glue. Weirdly enough, I hadn’t noticed her earlier. Where did she come from? Things were starting to get really strange.
“I’m the glue that holds this family together!” she cried, pumping her fist in the air while trying to open the glue with the other. She might have been more successful in opening the glue had she stopped pumping her fist and used that hand to hold the bottle steady. “You look so much like your father!!” she shrieked, to no one in particular. Where was the restaurant staff? Shouldn’t they have come in and sent this lady to bed or something, or at least prevented her from overdosing on glue? Well, she was doing it on her own, I guess, because she was still unable to open the glue because she was continuing to pump her fist.
“Maybe you should help her-”
“There is no time! We must act now!!!” Gordon screamed.
“You keep saying there’s no time, but I don’t understand. How am I supposed to be acting? What do you want me to do?” I asked. I was starting to get really frustrated. He was really beginning to ruin my meal.
“We must help the sons of Ipswich! We must defeat the fifth and hidden son!!!!!”
“I’m late for a movie night…” I tried to interject, but once again my admittedly feeble attempt at escaping Gordon the Vampyre was proven to be unsuccessful.
“Here they come! The Sons of Ipswich!!!” Gordon called out in high-pitched squeal.
The Sons of Ipswich, indeed. As Gordon squealed, four of the most attractive men I have ever seen entered the restaurant. The first, and the clear leader of the pack, was tall and medium-build, he had chocolaty brown eyes and short, somewhat curly brown hair. He was wearing a black peacoat and jeans that perfectly complimented his amazing abs. Yeah, maybe I couldn’t see them, but I just knew that they were awesome. Beside him was a blonde bad-boy with an impish grin and a problem with authority. I could just tell. The next son, oh, what a treat. He had shoulder-length light brown hair, and he was wearing only a tiny speedo that I suspect was actually a young boy’s size. I didn’t know that they made clothing that small. But boy, am I glad they do. The last one was also wearing a speedo, but beside the tiny speedo guy he looked kind of fat, to be honest. Apparently I wasn’t the only one to notice the disparity between the two, as he seemed self-conscious also. It looked like he was trying to flex his abs so as to look super-fit, but it really only made him look even more fat.
“Why would Tyler even bother showing up in a speedo beside Pogue? He just doesn’t look as good beside that god!” Gordon whispered in my ear.
“Wait, what? I thought that there was no time, and we had to act now! Now you’re criticizing their body types? Really, Gordon.” I scolded. He looked ashamed in response.
“Hey, Caleb, Pogue, over here!” Gordon called out. The boys must not have noticed us before, because when they turned to see where the noise was coming from, there was a collective groan. They hesitantly came over.
“We’ve been sent by the devil himself to help you in your quest!” Gordon almost shouted at them. I think that he had some kind of volume control problem. And why did every sentence he said end in an exclamation mark?
“Listen, Gordon, you are not the sixth Son of Ipswich! You are not my secret brother! Please leave us alone!” the leader, which I assumed to be Caleb, said angrily to Gordon. “And who is this girl, and what have you told her?”
“Hey! I was just sitting here, eating my dinner, when Gordon came over and started spinning all these crazy stories! I don’t know what’s going on!” I shouted back. I didn’t like the implication that I was in cahoots with Gordon.
“Nothing is going on, okay?” Pogue said. He was a really terrible actor though, so I didn’t really believe him at all. He didn’t even seem to be interested in what he had just said, let alone believe it himself.
“Well, if you need me, I’ll be picking up dog poo at the park!” Gordon the Vampyre called out behind his back as he exited the restaurant.
“Why does he always do that?” Caleb asked irritably. “Why does he think that it will impress me?”
“Caleb, the guy calls himself Gordon the Vampyre. He dresses up as a vampire in public. His favourite thing to do is hang around museums and tell people that it closes later than it does to try to trap them there. Then he sits around and watches. Picking up dog poo at the park is the least of his problems,” the long-haired Son of Ipswich contributed.
“Sorry that he bothered you,” Caleb said as the four of them gathered up the glue-sniffing nightgown-wearer in the corner. I was glad that someone had.
Just as they were leaving, Fernando came into the restaurant and sat at my table, laughing.
“I thought that the movie night was going on until ten? How come you got out early?” I asked.
“Alonso ate too many chocolate kisses, got a tummy ache and passed out. It all kind of fell apart after that,” Fernando chortled. “What was just happening? Four guys, two in speedos, just carried out a woman who was raving about how she couldn’t open the glue? And some guy in a vampire costume asked me if I had any bags?”