Arghsies.

Right now I am trying to write the first dip in breaking up for Sadie and Brett. It's really difficult for me for a number of reasons. It is really difficult for me to separate my own experiences from my characters, and to give them a scene that their relationship deserves. It is also really hard to think about my own break-up. I usually try not to, but when I write, I have to force myself to get depressed about it to get myself in the mind-set to write it all down. It isn't fun.

I haven't really written anything worthy of posting in that scene, but this happens just before. I guess that I am going to have to tell you that this is the past. It is pretty clear in my books, but it may not be here.

Jill suggested that I don't write a break-up between Sadie and Brett to make for an Inception-like mind-fuck. After all of the trouble that I am having now, I am kind of tempted.

Sadie jolted awake in the middle of the night and gasped at how worried she suddenly felt. She couldn’t remember any bad dream that could have caused such a feeling, and after several moments of reflection, she couldn’t recall anything that she had forgotten to do. She wasn’t sure what caused this feeling of malaise, which caused her to feel even worse. Something was wrong, she could feel it in her bones.

She decides that it must have been the heat that awoke her from a dead sleep. Her apartment, which is too old to be air-conditioned, feels more like a sauna than suitable living quarters. The heat wave had arrived the day after Brett had departed, driving everyone indoors and to their fans. Sweating through your t-shirt is obviously a disconcerting development, but is it enough to make you feel so worried and unsettled?

She wished for a moment that Brett had spent the night; having someone to share her worries with and to tell her that everything was okay would have calmed her. But Brett had been interning in New York City for about a week, and she wasn’t sure how long it would be until he returned to visit her, or until she could visit him in Manhattan. Perhaps it was his absence that had woken her, or the fact that he had hardly called or e-mailed. But he had obviously been very busy settling into the big city in his big brother’s apartment; otherwise he surely would have called. And they had been together for over a year, which is obviously much past that “having to talk to each other all of the time” stage. She obviously didn’t need to talk to him every day or anything needy like that. Obviously there were a lot of reasons for him to be ignoring her—but maybe putting it at “ignoring” is a little strong. “Overlook” fit better for Sadie. Because, obviously, he wasn’t doing it on purpose.

If so many things were so obvious to Sadie, then how come she couldn’t sleep? How come she couldn’t help but feel like everything was wrong? Why does Brett’s absence make her gasp for air and wake up in the middle of the night, but when they talk on the phone, he won’t even tell her that he misses her?
* * *
By the next weekend, Brett had returned to his Boston apartment and Sadie was the first to welcome him home. Even though he had only been gone for two weeks, took him in with all of her senses as if she would soon become senseless. He was wearing new clothes that she had never seen before, and his hair had been cut very short to help make the heat wave bearable; immediately, Sadie could see that he looked different. But it wasn’t just his clothes and his hair; it was everything about him. It was the look in his eyes. It was his stiffness at her touch. It was in the way that his eyes continually darted away as if looking for an exit.

Sadie notices all of these things, but she has no idea what is to come. She never was one of these people that always expect the worst.

They make vague plans to go out to eat or to a show or to walk around Boston Common, but it doesn’t really matter exactly what they thought that they were going to do; they aren’t going to do any of those things anyway.

This is when Sadie learns that you can never make plans with Brett; you can depend on him like you can depend on the rain in this heat wave.

It all started out innocently enough. Sadie asked Brett how he was enjoying the city, how Jake and Minka are spending their summer, and if the heat was nearly as crushing in New York as it was there. Apparently he likes New York, Jake and Minka are vacationing at his cottage in Nantucket that weekend, and yes, the heat is unbearable there as well as here. Brett answers all of Sadie’s questions, but the conversation continues to come to a halt until Sadie poses another question. She wonders about this also, but he is obviously very tired from his train ride.

We know what is going to happen. We have known all along. This is the beginning, the end, and everything in between.

“So when do you want me to come and visit? I was thinking that maybe I could take next weekend off and take the train,” Sadie suggests hopefully.

“I don’t know if there’s enough room in the apartment.”

“Really” Sadie asks sadly. “I thought that it was pretty big.”

“Well, there are only two rooms.”

“Uh, I could sleep in your room. Or is your family that prudish?”

“I don’t think that it’s a good idea.”

“Why not? Don’t you want me to visit you?”

His silence was more telling than words ever could have been. Something occurs to Sadie; it hits her like a bolt of lightning, and it has almost all of the same effects.

“You came back to break up with me, didn’t you?” She almost whispers, she is so afraid.



To explain the photo:
"Outside Comic-Con this weekend, Joshua Jackson staged his own "Pacey-Con" by reading Dawson's Creek fan-fic, posing for photos, and playing Paula Cole on a stereo. Sadly, he was filming a FunnyOrDie.com skit, not trying to make Van Der Beek jealous."

Is it just me, or would you totally attend this?