I'll Steal Yo' Honey Like I Stole Yo' Bike

The girls of summer are back again with some amazing excerpts to bring something cool to his heat wave. Or, you know, to write something really stupid and embarrassing. Either way.

Some odd circumstances have brought me to Barrie Ontario, where Jill and I had another amazing writing session. Jill made me watch "Summer Girls" by LFO several times, and even rewound the video a few times so I could really capture the essence of the creepy guy in the band that looks like a vampire. She also made me watch the "Step By Step" video by New Kids on the Block, which is an insult to any human with eyes. At least Marky Mark is in it.

Here is an excerpt that brings shame to the entire family:

Sadie needs to get away from the city, where everywhere she goes and everything she sees only serves as a reminder of Brett and her loneliness. Her friend Maggie has a cottage on Jones Beach just outside of Ipswich, which will serve as the perfect weekend getaway from the city that is heavy with memories. But as she enters Ipswich she feels a chill that she can’t explain; she quickly tries to shake it off, judging it to be nothing. She should have known better.

Sadie is quietly lying on the beach, enjoying her summer playlist while wearing flip flops, a half shirt, short shorts, and a mini skirt. Please do not ask why she is wearing so much clothing; she can’t really remember herself. It seems as if she got dressed in a daze.

Suddenly, she spots something ominous in the distance. As the dark crowd comes closer, she is able to discern the exact identity of the ill-omened crew. Leading the pack is a short man in a vampire cape, flanked by three other men. The vampyre was unattractive and pimply, with bushy eyebrows and wild, tangled hair. His teeth were yellow, dull and to be honest, he had a bit of a gap tooth. She quickly recognizes one of the other members of the group as Rich Cronin, the leader of the late 90’s band, LFO. She assumes that the other two are the remaining members of the musical trio, but no one ever really knew who they were anyway, so she spends no more time thinking about it.

Sadie was never really one to trust her gut, but in this case, she has no choice. She knows that there is no possible positive outcome to this situation.

“You looking for a man?” the vampyre calls out to her as she is attempting to hastily gather her belongings and book it to Maggie’s cottage.

“No,” she says firmly.

“That’s okay. Just wait ‘til you see me in the sand. I make the best sandcastles, and I dug a really deep hole yesterday,” the vampyre brags. Sadie chooses not to respond.

“I’m Gordon, this is Rich, Devin, and Brad.”

Now that the quartet was uncomfortably close, Sadie could make out the writing on their t-shirts. One t-shirt said “Lyte,” the second said “Funky,” and the third said “Ones.” She couldn’t even venture a guess as to why anyone would want to brag that they were a member of LFO.

“Hey girl, can I get your number?” Gordon forges on. “Can I call you after ten tonight?”

“No. Please go.”

“The water may be cool, but the feeling is hot!”

“Who are you? Why are you doing this to me?”

“Gordon, stop buggin’. Watch me steal your honey like I stole your bike!”

“That was you! I thought that it was Donnie Wahlberg!”

“Chinese food makes me sick!” one of the other remaining members whose name doesn’t matter anyway said, before running away to throw up on some rocks.

“My name is Rich. You look like a girl from Abercrombie and Fitch.”

“We all know that isn’t true. Maggie, please help me.”

“I see you baby, in that strapless sundress, kickin’ back, no stress!” Gordon pipes up again, not letting Rich steal the show.

“How about we swim around naked, like two dolphins in the ocean of our hearts?” Rich throws out there. Sadie wishes that he hadn’t.

“Has that ever worked?” Maggie asks.

“Not really,” Rich looks sad. The other member of LFO doesn’t appear to be very engaged; he is listening to the New Kids on the Block “Bunch of Hits” CD on his iPod.

At this point, Sadie and Maggie are basically sprinting towards the cottage, but the three members of the crew that aren’t vomiting are gaining on them. It seemed that Gordon’s cape only served to make him more wind resistant, as he was moving at an inhuman pace. He is going after them with a fervour they have only seen once before, when a certain physiotherapist dove into a pile of jock straps with Cheese Whiz in them.

“How about we get together later in da club? You look like the kind of girl who likes to shake and wiggle to a hip hop song.” It doesn’t matter who said it.

“Please leave me alone. I’m not interested.”

“If you want, you can come by and see us in our shop. We work at the 24 Hour Belt Emporium in town. Your short shorts and miniskirt look like they’re a little loose, are you sure that you couldn’t use a belt or two?”

“Yes. I am sure. And who wears two belts, anyway?” Maggie shoots back.

“I wear three!” shouts the guy who was throwing up from eating too much Chinese food, or at least we hope. At one point, Sadie was sure that she had heard him say that “Chinese girls make me sick” which is a pretty awful thing to say, to be sure.

The pair is able to move out of earshot of LFO and Gordon the Vampyre, and after a quick conference they decide that it would be best if the boys didn’t know where they were staying. Maggie suggests that they stop by the local watering hole that is affectionately known as Jackie’s Place. Not only is it close to the beach making it the perfect place to scope out cute surfers, Maggie promises, but Jackie’s Place always has the best music.

Upon passing through the heavy wooden doors of Jackie’s Place, Sadie is happy to see that the bar delivers on both promises. A lively version of “Summertime” by New Kids on the Block is playing loudly over the speakers, and a group of four men in what must be children’s Speedos is dancing to the music. Sadie briefly wonders if this is a gay bar, but then quickly decides that she doesn’t care.

The first, and the clear leader of the pack, is tall with a medium-build with chocolately brown eyes and short, somewhat curly air. Beside him, shaking his booty with the fervour that we are all too familiar with, is a blonde bad-boy with an impish grin and a problem with authority. You could just tell. The next son, oh, what a treat. He had shoulder-length light brown hair, and he was wearing only a tiny speedo that Sadie suspects was actually a young boy’s size. Sadie didn’t know that they made clothing that small. But boy, is she glad that they do. The last one is standing beside the hottest one, and next to him he looks kind of fat, to be honest. Apparently Sadie wasn’t the only one to notice the disparity between the two, as he seemed self-conscious also. It looked like he was trying to flex his abs so as to look super-fit, but it really only made him look even more fat.

Sadie doesn’t know who this mysterious group of four boys is, but she is eager to find out. Maggie already seems to be finding out a little too much about them, as she is grabbing the blonde’s butt and saying, “Toot, toot!”


I just want to include this last part, to shed some light on why Sadie dated Brett for so long. Sorry this post is so long, thanks for staying with me.

Naturally, passionate love for rivaling clubs is inconvenient in any relationship, to say the least. Not only was Brett’s support of Chelsea an issue, but no one would have ever recommended getting Sadie started on his love of the Boston Bruins. When Chelsea’s Ashley Cole—who is the biggest dick bag anyone could ever imagine—scored the winning goal against Liverpool in injury time with a very controversial offside/handball of a goal, Sadie became so angry that she almost broke up with Brett on the spot. And by almost, I mean that she did, but Brett didn’t really take it seriously. Sadie wasn’t serious about it either, but she wanted to wipe that smug and douchey look off of his face. She did not succeed, and after that moment, she knew that it was a permanent fixture on his arrogant mug.

After Sadie had cooled down and realized the error in her ways, she showed up late to his match against their biggest rivals, Yale. She meekly sat in the stands, taking in the 2-2 score and hoping for another one of Brett’s miracles. Brett sees her there and smiles right before he accepts a pass from the right back and heads up on the flank. He steps over the ball to beat the defender, and places it perfectly to the top left corner. His team goes wild, chasing after him as the runs the length of the pitch. He looks directly at Sadie, and places his hands over his chest in the shape of a heart. He is telling her that he is sorry.

Everyone turns to stare at her, and the looks on their faces reflect the slow realization that she is his. Most are shocked, probably thinking “her?” and wondering how long it would take to get her glittered up for Easter. But Sadie has the last laugh; she is the one that gets to go home with the winning goal scorer. This feeling that she has at this very moment will stay in her mind for years to come; this, she knows, is the feeling one gets when they have something that everyone else wants.