There's Something That You Need To Know

I wrote this last night, and I figure that you all should see it. The time is approaching when I will have no choice but to go dark, so that you can enjoy my book more when you get to read it. But that time isn't now.

I will be writing more later, and probably posting another entry. Thanks for staying with me.


The harsh light of day streams in through the scarlet floral drapes, and all that Sadie can do is survey the damage. For months, Sadie felt as if all that she ever seemed to do was to pull herself out of the wreckage. Recently, she had started to rebuild. It all felt like it was for nothing.

Brett is still asleep. Sadie doesn’t dare wake him; she is sure that whatever he is dreaming about is far greater than the reality that he will have to face when he regains consciousness. It isn’t fair, she thinks to herself, that he gets these few extra moments unburdened by worry. But then again, the gravity of what had happened between them the night before would probably always be lost on him. In that moment of weakness, Brett had nothing to lose. Sadie feels as if she has lost everything.

If she had been honest with herself—and let’s face it, this is a rarity for Sadie—she would have always known that she would run back to Brett the moment that he asked her to. But this never really seemed like a possibility that she would have to entertain, since she had always thought that he would never want her back. Or in this case, need her back. Had she taken advantage of him, getting what she wanted when he was in a vulnerable state? Sadie feels wracked with guilt over this possibility, but we know better. Brett took advantage of her. He needed something, anything, to make him feel something other than grief over the death of his father. The heart attack had come without warning, and had completely shattered everything in his life. He is ready to graduate, he has a job lined up that was practically handed to him through his father’s contacts, and he was seeing so many women that he almost needed some kind of sex secretary to keep them all straight and prevent any embarrassing gaffes such as mixing up names or double booking (or double dipping, which is much more serious).

But none of these girls are Sadie, and none of them mean to him what she once did. Being with Sadie made him feel secure, and after his father had died, everything in his life felt shaky. He knew that even though he had broken up with her, she would be what he needed when he needed her the most. He didn’t really care about what it would do to her. We can blame him for this all we want, but it’s the truth. Death certainly doesn’t bring out the best in anybody, let alone Brett Hall.

Paul wasn’t just filling in for Brett until he came around, Sadie knows this for sure. She had liked him. She had liked him a lot. But what does it say about her that she ran back to Brett the second that he called? If it was as innocent as attending a funeral for a friend, why didn’t she tell Paul about it before she left?

She knows exactly why. Even though it seemed to many that she had never meant anything to Brett, she knows that she did. In this world, Brett Hall has never had much to depend on. And even though he probably doesn’t want to be with her right now—or ever—he knows that he can depend on her. Of course he would want her now, and when he phoned her, a part of her knew that all of this would happen. How could she tell Paul?

Paul. How the fucking hell could she do this to Paul? He had been so patient with her as she picked up the pieces of her life, but now it seemed as though all the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put Sadie back together again. She felt like the past seven months had been a waste of time. Why did she bother trying to move on, when all of the work that she had done seemed to have been for nothing? Why did she bother letting Paul into her life? But then again, there’s something to be said about being predictable. She had done exactly what she had told him that she would do. She had told him that she wasn’t ready to move on. She had told him that she was selfish and couldn’t be for him what he would want her to be. She had predicted this like she had correctly predicted the World Cup final. But unlike the glory that came with foreseeing the outcome of the most important football match in the world, in this case, it felt so fucking disappointing to be so right.

Sadie doesn’t know what she is going to say to Paul. Even more, she doesn’t know what she is going to say to Brett. She wracks her brain, trying to think of some way to avoid dealing with this. For some reason, stealing the identity of a dead person and becoming an advertising agent in New York City doesn’t seem altogether plausible.

But as she dreams of what her apartment in New York will look like, Brett begins to stir. He opens his eyes like people always do in horror movies when you think that they’re dead. Sadie was unsure as to why he always felt the need to do this, but she chooses to let this go at the moment. She stares at him nervously, knowing all too well that anything he says could make or break her. She hates to give him this power, but it’s the only way that she has ever loved him.

But what happens is completely unexpected, for Sadie anyway. Brett simply gets up and puts on his housecoat, which seems to be embellished with blueberries. Any human with eyes could see that these blueberries, which were applied with corks that doubled as fabric stamps, added a touch of whimsy, color, and a hint of summer's bounty to Brett’s plain white robe. Sadie made a bet with herself that this embellishing technique could be used on light-colored kids' clothing and sneakers—or even a tote bag or note cards for herself! Brett comments that he thinks that he smells blueberry pancakes (what is it with this family and blueberries?) and encourages Sadie to join him for breakfast.

Perhaps Brett simply forgot, Sadie wonders to herself as she pours syrup on her pancakes. Perhaps it was all a dream, since Brett has mentioned nothing. But something is different, and so familiar at the same time. He touches Sadie’s arm as he talks to her. He invites her to his soccer game against Holy Cross that will be played next weekend. When she returns to her room, he follows her and takes off his blueberry-embellished robe.

Oh, Sadie realizes. They are back together, and she didn’t even notice.

Brett was always better at avoiding things; Sadie should have known this. He wants her back, but he doesn’t even think that he needs to ask. Brett doesn’t ask. Sadie has given in to him so many times that he now wonders, what’s the point in asking? He just takes. If Sadie had more respect for herself, she would have stopped him. There were so many points when she could have. But how do you say no, when you have dreamed about getting back together for so long?

She can’t live with him. She can’t live without him.

There are so many parts of Brett that make her feel high and dizzy and wonderful. But for every great part, there is a part that makes her hate herself. Right now, self-loathing and complete joy are found in equal measure. She just can’t decide which one will win out this time.