How Beachy!

I'm about five eighths of the way through my writing for the day, but will have to stop before work. Shit is going to get real. Do I say this too much? Also, my incorporation of the Martha Stewart craft has probably brought more shame to the Esmonde name than normal.

“Sadie, I think that we should talk,” Paul says in an uncharacteristically nervous voice.

“Okay, what do we need to talk about?” Sadie asks, becoming incredibly nervous herself. Nothing good has ever really come from conversations that start in this way.

“Well, we have been seeing each other for about two months now, and I think that things are going really well.”

“So do I,” Sadie responds cautiously. Mentally, she is preparing for the worst; she can’t help it, it’s what she has been conditioned to do.

“I’m glad that you agree,” he clears his throat. “I think it’s time that we take our relationship to the next level.”

“Um, Paul,” Sadie laughs. “We already did that. A lot.”

“No, not that. Well, not just that. I think that we should be exclusive.”

“Like boyfriend and girlfriend?” Sadie responds slowly.

“I didn’t pass you a not in study hall with a yes, no and maybe box, Sadie. Do you have to phrase it like that?”

“I probably didn’t have to, but I did.”

“Well?” He waits. “What do you think?”

Sadie exhales slowly, wishing that every passing second didn’t feel like an hour. She hates being put on the spot like this; Paul wants an answer, and not answering is like an answer in and of itself. Sadie is now confused.

“I don’t know, Paul,” is all that she really has to say. “I really like the way things are going, and I still want to see you.”

“I don’t want to see anybody else. I only want to date you. Is there somebody else that you want to date?”

It hurts Sadie to look at Paul when he is looking at her this way. Immediately after he says this, he knows the answer. They both do.

“I just don’t want to rush into anything. I’m scared, okay? And having to go through what I went through with Brett again would probably kill me.”

“But I’m not Brett. I wouldn’t do the things that he did.”

“I know you’re not Brett, but you can’t stand here and promise me that you’ll never break up with me. Neither of us can promise that. When I was younger, my family got a dog from the animal shelter. Every time that we left her alone in the first few months, she would freak out and bark for hours because she was sure that we had abandoned her, just like her last owners did. It’s called separation anxiety, and, well… I know exactly how that feels. This isn’t just about me not being sure if I have completely moved on and am ready to start something new. It’s also about the fact that I don’t know if I can be what you need right now. I feel so damaged. Is that really something that you want to tie yourself to?”

“Are you saying no? You won’t date me?”

“No, that’s not what I’m saying. I don’t really know what I’m saying. I guess that I have to think about it.”

“Well, I guess that’s not the worst thing that you could have said.”

“No, Paul, it isn’t. Do you have any idea what it means to me that I am considering this?”

He shakes his head.

“I’ve tried to hide from you how hurt I was. How profoundly heartbroken I have been for the past few months.”
“It isn’t exactly a secret. You may have tried to hide it, but I always knew. A person can’t look as sad as you often do without something pretty scarring having happened to them.”

“I didn’t know that you knew that.”

“I always did.”

“Well, I guess that what I’m trying to say is that I do want to date you. You’re so smart and nice and understanding and everything that anyone could ever need. Dating you would be good for me, considering everything that has happened. But dating you right now would be so selfish. It would be putting my needs over yours. You’re good for me, but I’m definitely not good for you. Do you really want to date someone that’s like my dog?”

“Well, no. I think that you’re like your dog a lot less than you think you are. And can I just say that the dog comparisons are a little off-putting? Anyway, I think that you’re just so used to this misery that it’s almost become a friend to you. You don’t know how to deal with being happy because you’re just so used to being unhappy. But things can be better for you. They’ll be better for you with me. And maybe I can’t promise you that we will never break up. One day, we probably will. Should we just throw away everything that we have because there’s a chance that things might not work out? Does that mean that we shouldn’t try?”

Sadie felt lost and confused. She had never experienced this type of urgency before, where another person seemed to need her in the way that she had always needed them. Being wanted is something that gets taken used to, particularly when all you know is what it feels like to be taken for granted. Yes, of course she wanted Paul. He was as close to perfect as people could come. But was she ready? The right person at the wrong time is still the wrong person. How could she waste someone as wonderful as Paul?

But she knew that Paul wouldn’t be around forever. No, he would move on if she didn’t give him what he needed from her. How would she feel if he dated someone else instead of her? When she considered the possibility, she knew that there was only one thing to do. She had to say yes.

Like the floral arrangement in the seashell that Sadie had displayed in her living room, there is always a chance for new life. Something that must have been undeniably disgusting had once lived and died inside that shell that she had collected at the beach of Brett’s summer home. But she was able to give it a whole new purpose, as well as add a touch of beach to her home, with this blooming shell arrangement. It really made waves. Just because something is over doesn’t mean that it is dead; it can be something different. Not better, not worse, just different.

Things never happen the way that we want them to or the way that we think that they will; Sadie knew this better than anybody. Just as she made the decision that finally felt right, things were in motion that would ultimately turn everything upside down once more. Sadie doesn’t know this yet, but soon, oh yes, she will.