Smart Throb

Had another fruitful writing session with Jill, Sam, Scott, and the wonderful addition of Heather. Heather brought wine, and we welcomed her with open arms. Dad came in part way through, and hilarity inadvertently ensued. He is quoted directly, and about half of my daily quota came from something that he said. You will know it when you see it. I am just going to post everything that I wrote today, because it's too awesome for everyone to not read.


After several horrific experiences involving men (and vampyres), Sadie feels about ready to swear off of men for good. She works on her graduate school applications. She re-connects with her friends that she saw less and less of as her relationship with Brett became worse and worse. She makes her way through her summer reading list, which includes such gems as “The Reluctant Bride,” “Under an Orange Sky,” “Soldiers of Misfortune,” “The Nine Biggest Myths About Grief” and “Marcus and Gordon Toodie’s Excellent Adventure.” The novels seem connected in some way, and it isn’t just through the inordinate number of mustached butterflies and Emilio Estevez references. A thesis for another grad student, she thinks to herself.

She takes on extra shifts at Mike’s Pastry not just for the distraction, but also for the privilege of seeing the parade of Guidos that come through the door. She really enjoys their marvelous outfits, and wonders how so little fabric can stretch so much to cover their outrageously large biceps. She then decides that it is one of those things that when you think about it too much, it is ruined. For the millionth time in her life, she decides to stop wondering how so little fabric can cover a grown a man, and simply delights in the fact that it does.

After a particularly sleepless night, Sadie is not pleased with the rush of customers during closing at Mike’s Pastry. She was pleased, however, when her tween crush Jonathan Taylor Thomas walked through the doors. Jonathan Taylor Thomas was best known not for his role in the cult classic “Man of the House,” in which he co-starred alongside the inimitable Chevy Chase, but for the other career-ending incident in which this “smart throb” got a little too drunk at a Harvard frat party when he was visiting the campus, and stated that the giant bottle of Grey Goose was like a baby, but better, “because it doesn’t squeal and poop, but you will after you drink this.” Everyone at the party knew this all too well by the end of the night.

“How’s it goin’, eh?” Sadie asks Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Before he has the chance to respond and say something intellectual about Napoleon (he did tour several Ivy League campuses, after all) Sadie interrupts by squealing, making a farting noise with her mouth, and winking as she points her finger gun at him and fires. He storms out angrily, revealing to an embarrassed Sadie that Paul had been there all along, and has taken in the whole scene.

“Going for employee of the month, are we?” Paul asks, giggling girlishly at Sadie.

“Please don’t tell my boss about this. That was the third time I’ve done that this week.”

“Your secret’s safe with me, as long as you assure me that you don’t greet every customer that way.”

“No, it’s the Jonathan Taylor Thomas special. For more information, please see the September 21st , 2000 issue of People Magazine.”

“My back issues of People Magazine only go back to 2001. Do you think that it’s online, or do you have a spare copy?”

“Dear God, I hope so. To both. Or, we could just take a trip to Harvard. I hear that they still have the stain on the carpet in the frat house, and that one of the Harvard libraries has multiple copies of the People Magazine article in their stacks. Thousands make the pilgrimage every year, to lay flowers on that fateful carpet stain. Some are mourning the end of Jonathan Taylor Thomas’ career. Others are still doing their part to mask the smell.”

“Do I really want to visit this place?” He pauses for only a brief second. “Wait, never mind, of course I do! By any chance, have you ever seen Jonathan Taylor Thomas’ underrated Christmas flick, ‘I’ll Be Home For Christmas’? And what about ‘Wild America,’ the tale of three brothers—Marshall, Marty and Mark—who dream of becoming naturalists and portraying animal life of America. One summer their dream comes true, they travel through America, filming alligators, bears and moose!”

“Check and check. You don’t want to know how many posters of him that I cut out of Tiger Beat in my youth, and a little later than my youth. Those teen heart throbs today are nothing compared to the smart throbs of my day. Justin Bieber is no Devon Sawa.”

“You still subscribe to Tiger Beat, don’t you?”

“Maybe.”

“It’s okay, I seem to be keeping all of your secrets lately, what’s one more?”

“That, or I kill you. No one else needs to know about my Jonas Brothers obsession.”

“I didn’t need to know that either.”

“Damn it.”

“Don’t worry, the overall effect is quite pleasing.”

* * *

Brett has invited Sadie to his house in Maine for American Thanksgiving. This is the first time that she has celebrated American Thanksgiving, being Canadian and all. Sadie’s simultaneously treasured and horrifying memory of Canadian Thanksgiving involved her mother dressing in an American flag bikini (everyone knew not to ask any questions about this) and throwing up into a Zehrs bag at the dinner table. If you remember one thing from what you have read so far, let it be this: a meal isn’t a meal in the Desman home if no one throws up in a Zehrs bag part way through. Sadie is planning on breaking the ice with this story if necessary, but as Brett’s Ford truck pulls into the two-story white colonial home at the end of a winding road with aging trees, Sadie knows that neither her nor her story are welcome.

“Is Dad home? I don’t see his car,” Brett remarks as he hugs his mother and kisses her on the cheek like the Maine WASP that he is.

“Not yet, dear. He’s still in the city, but he should be home in time for dinner.”

Sadie is introduced to Brett’s older brother Jake, who is taller and even more handsome. His girlfriend Minka looks like a model, and talks like one, too. Next to this group, she looks like Leather Face from “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre,” but less endearing, and a little more menacing and deranged. However, she finds the overall effect to be pleasing.

Sadie pushes the Zehrs bags that she packed along as a joke further into her bag so that they can avoid detection. She wishes that she could do the same; his family makes her feel insanely inadequate and clown-like.

They spend the afternoon drinking inordinate amounts of wine, yet somehow, none of the Halls seem to be drunk. Sadie, however, took a few too many slugs from the mug, and is almost loaded like a freight train. She hopes that no one notices. But then again, even if they do, she knows that they won’t say anything.

At four o’clock exactly, the five of them sit down to a meal that anyone would argue was fit for a king, in a room where it appears that every Martha Stewart craft of the day from the past three years is stored. Of course, as any Marth-aficianada knows, crafts are recycled every week or so. Therefore, there are seven crafts, six of them being beach-themed. Mustard yellow linen pillows printed with three different-sized anthurium leaves really brighten up the room.

Sadie notes that the table is only set for five; there is no place setting for Jerry. Of course, no one mentions this. It is almost as if Brett’s father’s absence has escaped everyone’s attention. They probably had never really expected him to show up in the first place.

True to form, the Halls discuss nothing of substance for the entire meal. Jake is enjoying his internship in New York very much, Minka is taking a delightful cooking class (they all laugh politely at Jake’s joke about Minka’s cooking), and Susan has taken up cross-stitching. She is currently working on a pillow featuring Emilio Estevez in profile, circa carb bloat face, post-singed eyebrows- 2010. Sadie tries to come up with a neat and tidy summary of her fall semester, but she figures that the family will not be appreciative of her essay with a Marxist interpretation of Joss Whedon’s classic series, “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.” Instead, she lies and tells them that she has recently taken up yoga. Everyone is delighted except for Brett, who gives her a quizzical look.

When Brett asks his mother if she had told his Dad about his goal against Holy Cross, and she shakes her head sadly. “You know how busy he is,” she laments. “This merger is really hard on him,” she says mechanically. Everyone nods as if they believe this.

But as Sadie and Brett lay in bed at night, she can see it in his eyes that he doesn’t. The burden of knowing that his father doesn’t care weighs on him heavily. The photos that line the walls of his royal blue room tell the story of a proud father as he stands beside his son and all of his achievements. Jerry grins happily beside his son who is holding the state championship varsity soccer trophy. Jerry and Brett stand together again, with Brett holding a medal for outstanding achievement in his high school business class. As fathers go, all appearances point to Jerry as one of the best. But this isn’t what Sadie sees; she sees a father who is only there to bask in his son’s glory. He is there when it is convenient, when it is easy, and when it is congratulatory. He is too disinterested to be there at any other time.

Sadie holds him closely, as if she can absorb some of his pain. She wants to take it on for herself, to ease his burden. Brett is too proud to ask for her help or for her comfort, but from the way that he sinks into her body, she knows how much he is beginning to need it.

Note: “Sinks into her body” is not a euphemism for anything. Or is it?