The Beginning of the End

Sadie and Brett are lying in bed, exhausted and still a little smashed. Brett’s arm is around Sadie, and she can’t help but grin. This is where she is happiest; in her bed, with Brett. His strong arms make her feel protected, and the way that he runs his fingers up and down her arm makes her wish that every moment could be this way. She breathes in his scent, which she loves, and runs her fingers through his hair.

“I love you,” pops into her head. This isn’t unusual, of course; she has thought these very words about a million times. She wants to scream it so that everyone knows how in love she truly is. But until this night she has kept it inside, afraid of what saying it would mean.

Sadie feels as light as air; she knows that if she let herself, she could float away with all of the happiness that she has inside of her. Those post-exam/Liverpool eternal glory beers are making her head spin, but not in a sick and ready to vomit way. In a way that makes her feel electric, as excited as neon, but at the same time like everything is moving around her but she is staying so still, stretching the moments out and taking from them everything that she can.

She wants to tell him more than anything, but of course it’s indescribably terrifying. When you tell someone that you love them, you open yourself up to the possibility that they won’t love you. Of course, they could have always not loved you; but now you know for sure. At this point Sadie thinks that she almost doesn’t care, that the words have been held in for so long that they need to be said, no matter what. Love is supposed to be shared, and Sadie is tired of feeling it by herself.

Say it, she says to herself. Just say it. The world will keep on spinning.

“Brett,” she says to get his attention.

“Yes,” he responds, completely unaware that something significant is about to happen.

Sadie is silent for several seconds. Deciding to say “I love you” is incredibly exciting and intoxicating, but at the same time, it is incredibly difficult. Sadie wonders how it is possible that she could hardly hold the words in her mouth all of those times, but when she finally is allowing herself to say it, she just can’t. Let’s be clear, there is no turning back at this point. She isn’t reconsidering; the words just won’t seem to come out. Maybe her mouth knows something that her heart doesn’t.

“I think that I love you,” the words finally tumble out of her mouth.

At first, Brett doesn’t say anything. His mind was almost stopped moments before, but now it feels like it is moving at the speed of light. Is he trying to come up with a way to get out of this? Is he happy? Does he love her too?

“I love you too,” Brett finally says.

Sadie kisses him and Brett takes off her clothes, and Sadie should feel as if everything in the world is better than she had ever thought that it could be. But she doesn’t.

When she had told Brett that she loved him, those words truly meant something to her. But the way that Brett said it back didn’t give Sadie the impression that those words had any meaning to him at all. He didn’t even look at her. The words sounded hollow and emotionless; Sadie’s had been full of feeling and adoration.

Even though Brett has just declared his love for Sadie, she has never been surer that he doesn’t love her. And even worse, he doesn’t even care about her enough to tell her this. He is fine not loving her and lying to her about it, because it is easier for him. Brett had always put himself and his needs first; it wouldn’t have really occurred to him how much what he just did would hurt Sadie. It would hurt her for months as she replays this moment again and again. It also hurt her now, as she feels the disappointment wash over her. She wanted this, she got it, so why is it so unsatisfying? Is this all that there is?

Even though they just took a huge step forward, both of them are becoming more and more aware of this fact: that this is the beginning of the end.