THIS Is a New Low, and a New Haircut

If Indigo thinks that quoting herself is a new low, I would like to introduce her to my 800 words of Jersey Shore-like Guidos. Yes, Sadie goes on a blind date with Mike "Vibe Time" Giardelli. A lot of Jersey Shore quotes were thrown in. I don't know why.

I'm having a lot of trouble writing the present. Does anybody have any advice? It's getting bleek.

Also, Sam and Scott: going MIA is unacceptable. Get the fuck back here.

This part isn't nearly as crap-tastic. Jill, please note that I am at 8,029 words.

Falling in love doesn’t really happen suddenly like it always seems to in movies. It is more of a process, with increasing stages. The first stage is when you start to suspect it: this happens for Sadie when Brett agrees to go with Sadie on opening night to see “The Stars Were Bright, Fernando”, a film based on a best-selling novel about a Dutch girl named Olga Vennegoor of Hesselink who meets, falls in love with, and ultimately marries Spanish footballer Fernando Torres. Despite his repeated denials to his friends, he somewhat enjoyed the movie, and even went so far as to applaud Olga’s feminist choices. This was extremely uncharacteristic of Brett, as he rarely holds an opinion—let alone a feminist one—and Sadie could see a few too many similarities between Fernando and Brett than she would have liked. It seems to Sadie that Brett is trying to please her, which is several steps up from their previous relationship of him simply accepting her presence. Sadie is changing him, or so she thinks. For now, at least, Sadie is open, and Brett is closed.

The next step is when you are pretty sure that you love them, but you still won't fully admit it to yourself. This happens for Sadie when Brett invites her to the Harvard soccer pre-season banquet as his date. She spends the evening listening to stories of younger Brett, hearing of his achievements on the pitch, and once again feeling so lucky to be the girl on his arm. Sitting at a table with all of Brett’s friends is like sitting with the cool kids in the high school cafeteria. She longs to be one of them. Further, this is the first time that Brett introduces her as his girlfriend. It wasn’t really something that they had discussed; Sadie isn’t sure if he took this from their discussion to be exclusive. The words, “this is my girlfriend,” sound like a song to Sadie. “I’ve heard a lot about you,” some of them say. This surprises Sadie even more; “You girls talk about me?” she inexplicably wonders. “You know, just girl stuff,” Brett answers, further defying explanation. Brett may be made of stone, but slowly but surely, she is carving a place for herself in his life.

Finally, there is the time when you know that you love someone, and every second that you can’t tell them is a struggle. These words may carry a lot of weight, but sometimes they feel as light as air, willing themselves to leave your mouth. The words themselves don’t know what they mean, they don’t know how big of a deal they really are. It’s not something that you can just say to anyone. Every night that Sadie and Brett lie in bed, Sadie wants to tell him. As he sleeps innocently beside her, and she is inevitably awake, since she still can’t sleep when there is someone else in her bed, she mouths the words to him; it all that she can do to keep herself from screaming them.

Sadie tries to distract herself from this newfound love, so that she can try to maintain some semblance of sanity. Unfortunately, like an over-hydrated and aggressive dog, Brett seems to have marked his territory all over her life. She can hardly listen to a single song without thinking of him; why does every song have to be about finding, having, and losing love? She tries to take up knitting, but in that especially pathetic way that Sadie has patented, each stitch looks like a heart. Love is all around, she knows, and so the feeling grows. This is the part that Joni Mitchell described as moons and Junes and Ferris wheels, that dizzy, dancing way that you feel as every fairy tale comes real. It is one of the best feelings in the world, that affects all other aspects of your life to make them that much better.

But alas, we all know that that isn’t all of it, and that isn’t the end of the song. Now it’s just another show, you leave ‘em laughing when you go, and if you care, don’t let them know. Don’t give yourself away.

Sadie feels too much. She has never been sure whether this is a gift or a curse. After Brett, it will take her years before she realizes that it is a gift. Even more, she can never feel just one thing at once. Admiring the beautiful colours of the autumn leaves is always accompanied by the sad knowledge that they will soon yield to the long season of winter, where all of the colour seems drained from the world. The joy she feels when watching a child grow is burdened by the awareness of the pain that they will inevitably encounter as they age, and the feeling that they hopes that she never has to see it because it will be too much for her to bear. In this case, Sadie is in love, and has never been happier. But at the same time, the happiness cannot remain unrestrained. Brett does not love her back, of this she is sure. She isn’t sure if he ever will; a seemingly impenetrable bubble of distance surrounds him, keeping anyone that could love him away, but also preventing him from feeling too much, which is his biggest fear.

Keeping secrets has never been one of Sadie’s strong suits, but she knows that this is something that Brett just can’t know. She isn’t sure when he will be able to handle her love, if ever. For now, she will have to content herself with thinking those three words. She was never one to take risks, either, and putting her heart on the table is much too much of a gamble for Sadie Desman.