Just Fiddlin' Around

I had to do my writing earlier than usual today, since tonight is Sam's bachelorette party. Didn't write the full 2,000, only wrote about 1,000. Will write 1,000 tomorrow, then will write the last 8,000 from Monday through Thursday, hopefully finishing on Thursday.


When it comes to pulling away, Brett is one of the best. One might say that he has been pulling away from Sadie since the day that they met, but this isn’t strictly true. He always kept his distance, to be sure, but he let himself get closer to her than he ever would have wanted. He learned pretty early on that the only person that he can depend on is himself; relying on others is not only a sign of weakness, but it is sure to go wrong. People leave. People disappoint you. People are always less than they can be. He doesn’t want anybody to depend on him, either. Many have learned this the hard way, and soon, there will be one more.

Brett doesn’t like to need, but with Sadie, he can’t help it. Sadie is a current, pulling him along and changing the tide. She has always needed him, the look in her eyes tells him so. He can see how uncomfortable she is with herself, and how she looks next to Brett. Everyone, including Brett, knows how good he seems on paper: rich, good looking, a varsity athlete, smart enough, and driven. Sadie is intimidated by all of this, but anyone who knows both of them knows that she shouldn’t be. Paper is symbolic of the first year of marriage, because it isn’t sturdy or durable. You can crumple up paper and throw it away (or hopefully recycle it), and it probably will mean little. Brett is similar. There is so much more to anyone than their attributes on the surface, and this is where Brett is exposed for what he is. This is where Sadie shines. She is his rock.

Should we go with a paper covers rock analogy? No? Okay.

Being with Brett is a source of deep insecurity for Sadie, but it also a source of pride. She doesn’t know exactly how she got him, but she did. She looks better to everyone for it; he has become something of a trophy for her, but a trophy that she loves, of course. But she has started to wear him and show him off like a badge.

But shit gets real for Brett when he realizes that he depends on Sadie for far too much. Yes, some of those things are a little innocuous: not knowing what to order on his pizza without Sadie’s help, having a near-nervous breakdown in the candy shoppe as he has to decide what Jelly Bellies to pick for his treat bag without Sadie’s suggestion, and his constant need to consult Sadie for her opinions on the latest episode of “America’s Next Top Model.”

But there are some other instances that were very real to him, and very eye opening (in an “I thought you were dead in a horror movie but you weren’t” kind of way). Like when he went to dinner at his parents’ house, and insisted that Sadie come along because he legitimately didn’t think that he could face his father alone after the revelations of his affair. Or when he was having a bad string of games after coming off of a slight injury, and Sadie’s pre-game pep talks as they drove to the game helped him end his scoring drought. He used to live with his parents, for fuck’s sake. And why should he need Sadie to help him play soccer, the sport that he has been playing since he could walk, and he has a scholarship to Harvard for?

Brett’s model of masculinity has mostly been his Dad, which is unfortunate, to say the least. Jerry Hall doesn’t need anybody, and he never has. Being a man is about solving your own problems and not relying on anybody to do it for you. Being a man is about stoicism in the face of adversity, tragedy, and anything else that comes your way. Being a man about is not being a woman, and certainly not relying on one. If his father knew what he had become—which he didn’t, since Brett had almost stopped talking to him completely—he would have likely made a joke to hide his complete disappointment. Jerry Hall only has sons, not daughters, and he would like to keep it that way.

Brett is starting to feel restless and emasculated, a terrible combination for a man like him. He is longing for his freedom and his independence, which he feels he is missing with Sadie. With Sadie, he has to be everything for her: her lover, her goddamned therapist, her protector. She loves him. He had suspected for a long time, but now he knows it to be true. He is supposed to love her back, but Brett is truly Jerry’s son. He doesn’t really know how to love anybody else, and even if he could, why would he? It’s unmanly, it’s messy, and it is just another thing that people need from you.

Brett doesn’t want to need anybody, and he doesn’t want to be needed.

Sadie looks beautiful under the glow of the shaded string lights. These bulbs covered in shades made from chartreuse and turquoise vellum holiday strands trace every slat of a porch trellis, and cast a festive glow on his outdoor porch, and in Sadie’s eyes. He looks at her curiously, trying to remember why they began dating in the first place. It’s sort of a pointless task, however, since he never really knew to begin with. He has never regretted dating Sadie; in fact, he has really grown to care for her and appreciate her. But when he said that he loved her, he wasn’t exactly sure if he meant it. He might love her, right? All of the signs are there. She just has a way about her; she really puts the “stink” in “distinctive,” if you know what I mean, but in an overall pleasing way. Nothing makes him feel as serene as when he and Sadie are together. But then he starts to wonder why the hell is he using the word “serene,” and decides to stop reading advice for teens written by Jacqueline Esmort. Most of the advice is on how to “just fiddle around” with floor-length sweater nightgowns with kittens on them, paired with ironic Crocs. Not particularly useful, but not entirely useless, either.

Sadie is beautiful in so many ways, but as he watches her read one of those books that make her sigh loudly so many times because she is inexplicably angry, he realizes something. He cares about her and he likes to spend time with her and really appreciates everything that she does for him, but a lot of his attachment to her ends there.

He doesn’t love her, so that’s it, isn’t it?