Double Dipping

So I actually stayed up until 3 am last night, and reached my daily word count quota. I really want you guys to read this part, because it's pretty important to the plot.


Sadie examines herself in the mirror one last time before leaving for an event that in no way could she afford, and in no way did she belong. The Resolutions Ball is for “young professionals,” so to speak; Sadie is not one of them. Nor is she someone that believes in resolutions. Sadie doesn’t believe that she can change anything about herself, whether it’s the first day of the year or not. She is set in her ways. She is gathering moss.

Her black strapless dress emphasizes the weight that she has lost; it isn’t quite right to say that she lost it intentionally, but it wasn’t all an accident either. The pressure to fit in inside Brett’s world and her perceived inability to be herself around him has made her eat less and less. To Brett, she wants to seem better than real. Eating in front of him makes her nervous; she doesn’t want to seem imperfect or fat or emphasize the 3:1 chin to Sadie ratio. Weight loss doesn’t look good on Sadie; it mostly makes her look tired and sad.

Brett picks her up in his truck but he barely speaks to her as they drive to the waterfront. Does he forget that they haven’t seen each other in two weeks? Did he even notice? Sadie’s frustration is increasing. The sacrifices that she has made for him are not only visible in her slumped and shapeless dress, but she is starting to feel them. The unreasonable amount of time that she has spent thinking about him, worrying about him, and loving him, has made so many other things in her life fall away. So much of her has been hopelessly devoted to him for almost nothing in return. A ticket to a New Year’s Eve party. Weekends in his cold and loveless home. A goal celebration.

At this point in the story, or perhaps at several points already, you may be starting to think that Sadie is a doormat. Well, she isn’t. Love makes us act in ways that we never thought that we normally would, could, or would want to. It makes us desperate.

After two lonely weeks without Brett, and an unceremonious reunion that confirms to Sadie her darkest thoughts, she is soon furious with grief. The scenarios that play out in her mind are becoming more and more real; she has been clinging to her fantasies, which are turning into smoke.

“Didn’t you miss me?” she asks him angrily. He seems startled by this tone that is so unfamiliar to him. Being angry with someone takes comfort and trust; Brett has neither of those from Sadie.

“Yeah,” he still says distractedly.

“I wouldn’t have ever guessed.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that you don’t seem to care whether I am here or whether I am gone. You don’t do anything that shows you want to be with me.”

“What do you want me to do, then? Invite you to meet my family? Include you with my friends? Celebrate a goal for you?”

“You do these things, but they don’t mean anything to you. Every part of you has always been fenced in, and I’m on the outside looking in.”

“I have a lot going on, Sadie. Do you really need to act this crazy right now?”

“I have a lot going on too! Why is it always about you? Why do I always have to fit into your life? What about me and the things that I want?”

“Well what do you want, then? Fuck if I know!”

“I want you to want me! I want you to miss when we’re apart! I want you to feel something, anything! I want a thousand things and I don’t know whether you can do any of them.”

Brett swore as he pulled over abruptly, scaring Sadie. As if she had ever forgotten, this served as a reminder: Brett has all of the power, at least in her eyes.

“You want to know why I didn’t call you every say over Christmas? Why I don’t seem to ‘feel’ anything?” Brett spat.

“Yes, I do. I want to know something real about you, since all I seem to know is what you want to show.”

“Alright, Sadie. Guess what my brother accidentally told me, thinking that I knew already. My dad is having an affair. A fucking affair. That’s why he never comes home, and that’s why he doesn’t come to any of my games. He cares more about some whore that he has in the city than his goddamned family.”

Sadie was speechless.

“So, Sadie, what do ‘real’ people like you do in situations like this? What should I do? What should I do?” Brett’s anger was beginning to waver, and making way for something that Sadie had only caught glimpses of in the past: vulnerability. Most things that she knew about Brett she had figured out, rather than him opening up. Compared to everything before this night, Brett was a chasm.

She realized then that he may not love her yet, but he sure as hell needed her. Everything about Brett made him unable to deal with this news. He had always had a difficult relationship with his father, but now he felt fully abandoned. Feeling is something that Brett has always tried to avoid; she was sure that if he could, he would do away with the concept completely. But when he was forced to feel something, it was disarming in every sense of the word. The armour that Brett had always covered himself with had cracked, leaving him exposed. Sadie knew her role: to replace that armour. To protect him, herself.